Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
