coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
two words...techno handjob
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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