I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
