Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
