No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
