no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
