my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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