I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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