I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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