Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
