you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
