Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
