i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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