I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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