I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
