then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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