omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
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I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
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Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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