Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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