OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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