Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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