It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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