Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
