All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
