your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
