Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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