the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
