I am puke
my phone needs a breathalizer
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
