You're my little dorito
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
