batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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