My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
