Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
