Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
