I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
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Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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