I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Found the puke drawer
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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