My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
