Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
