Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
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I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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