new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
where does the pee come out of this thing
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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