Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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