my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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