Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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