I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
