I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
