i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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