I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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