Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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