i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
