My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
