the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
