we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
