Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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