I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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