i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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