Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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