life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
