So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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