i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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