...so i touched it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
what day is it and did you see me today?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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