dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
