better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i need to put some appletini on your dick
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
