there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
